The last year has been a rough year. People that have known me for a long time know, that no matter what age I am turning, I always celebrate a younger age. For a while it was 23, but then I upped it to 25 and have pretty much stayed at that age for a few years. Last year 3 days after my 29th birthday I had the first ultrasound for our second baby. Things didn't look bad that day, but they didn't necessary look good. The doc thought I just wasn't as far along as I thought I was, but in my mind I knew that there should have been a heartbeat and not just a fetal pole. A week later we found out we had lost the baby. A couple weeks later on Oct 17th I miscarried the baby at home. Those few months after were some of the hardest of my life. I was so devastated over losing the baby, but then so hopeful that we would get pregnant again right away. So many people told me (including doctors) that I would be very fertile for the next 3 months. Those months came and went with no pregnancy. Here we are a year later and another birthday just passed. People asked me if I was still going to celebrate 25, and the answer is no, I am totally ready to embrace 30 and a new decade!
Loss and grief are such a hard thing. No one grieves the same way, and most people don't understand the pain and sadness you are feeling. The winter months were some of my loneliest, and at times the mountain just seemed so high and so rocky and like it was never going to end. It's hard because I know I have so much to be thankful for, especially when I look at the perfect little girl that lights up our lives, but at the same time it is hard to come to terms that some of your hopes and dreams may or may not come true. I don't doubt God's perfect plan, but as humans it's hard to let go of these "perfect plans" we have in our minds. I have no doubt that at some point I am going to look at our family situation, and say "wow I'm so glad God's plan is bigger than ours." But right now being in this time of waiting has been hard. I'm such a planner and very much a type A personality. I like to know what the future holds and how I can prepare for it.
In January we decided to go back to our fertility doctor and start some of the same treatments we did to get pregnant with Charli. Those didn't work, so we moved on to some more invasive options and so far those haven't worked either. To say the past few months of negative pregnancy tests have been hard is a huge understatement. For the most part I think I tend to hold it together pretty well, but lately not so much. We felt such a peace about the treatments we have done, so then it's hard to come to terms with them not working. We have just held onto the fact that we know God is sovereign and his plan is always perfect.
Since very early in our relationship, Davy and I have always talked about adopting. We knew that would be part of our lives at some point we just weren't sure when. In August we started talking about adopting a little more in depth. At this point we really really just want to have more children. We love Charli with everything in us, but we also know we have a lot of love to give. Before I got pregnant with C I tried calling the state of TN to get some information. At that time almost everyone I talked to was rude and very unhelpful, we finally got signed up for classes. Then the week before we were supposed to start our foster care classes I found out I was pregnant. I was sick as a dog and just couldn't imagine sitting through that many weeks of classes. So we decided to postpone. This time around when I called in August everyone was so nice and so helpful. Within 8 hours of making my first call we were scheduled to start classes 2 weeks later. I was dreading the classes, every Thursday night for 7 weeks for 3-4 hours. yuck, but amazingly we really really enjoyed them. We went into the classes saying we only wanted to take a foster child that we knew we could adopt. About 4 weeks into the classes the Lord had really softened our hearts. First it was Davy, then it was me. The classes were a time of growth and soul searching. After one of the classes I seriously cried the ugly cry for at least two hours. These kids in the system have been through so much and most of them just want to be loved. Now we are getting ready to open our hearts and love them, then not know if we can keep them, and that is scary. But the Lord has been making it so clear these past couple months we are where we are supposed to be. We finished all of our paperwork, interviews and home study in record time. Right now we are waiting for the state approve us, then we will wait for our first foster child. When you are pregnant you get 9 months to prepare for your life to change. You have time to get our house ready, buy sweet things, tell their brother or sister they are on the way, but with foster care we have no idea what it will look like or how to even prepare Charli. But through this I have just had to remind myself that if we are doing what we are called to do, God is going to take care of those details. So for now we just wait, and pray for that child that is brought into our home. I was telling a friend that it's a hard thing to pray for, because we know if we child is brought here they have been through a lot already and that just breaks my heart. So if you think about that child that is about to be placed in our home please pray for them. They have a long road ahead of them.
I know a lot of people will wonder where that leaves us fertility wise, and to tell you the truth I have no idea. We have stopped doing some of the treatments we have done in the past, but we haven't stopped all of them. It is still a very strong desire for us to have more biological children and I don't think we are supposed to give up quite yet.
Thanks for reading this long jumbled mess of thoughts, sometimes I just need a place to put it down on paper and where I can come back and read it a few years from now, when this all just seems like a blip on the radar.