Friday, May 4, 2012
Last May brought so much anticipation. I could tell my body was "working again" since having Charli and we decided that it was as good of a time as ever to start trying for baby number 2. I got pregnant in August and May 14th was supposed to be the due date of our next child. Now May is here again, and it hasn't been a month that was I looking forward to. In way I can't believe May is already here, in another way it feels like its been slowly heading my way for months. Instead of feeling excited, I have been feeling a dull ache. An ache for something that will not be, an ache in my heart and ache in my arms. Not only did we lose a baby, but we lost what we had hoped would be Charli's baby sister or brother. For the first few months after the miscarriage I was sad of the loss of the pregnancy, now as the months have gone on and it would we would be closer to bringing home that baby, I am so sad about the baby we lost. I have quite a few facebook friends and people that I see on a regular basis that had due dates right around mine. A few of them have had their precious miracles and a few are still in the very uncomfortable stages of the end of pregnancy. And it hard not to think about what could have been.
This journey that we are on was never promised to be an easy one. We were promised that we would never be given more than we could handle, and that He would be there to help carry the load. There have been hard days. Days that I have been so sad it been hard to function, but there have been beautiful days. Days where we have been blessed with so much, that it is hard to deny the love of our heavenly father. Three years ago right now I was struggling to get pregnant with Charli, it had been a long road up to that point and I still had a long journey to go. But now looking back at those times I can truly see God's hand working in our lives. I know that this is just another part of that story, a part that I will look back on in a few years and truly see the hand of God working in our hearts.